The Tortuous Road


It is a moment that is frozen in your memory, held in an emotional ice cube that can be looked at again and again.

There are the times when I should know a new project will be very difficult. When I should check if the moon plans to be full for three months. When the walk is all uphill, to there and back. This is one of those roads. Making the Kosmic Egg Project happen in a reasonable amount of time seemed really possible and I can’t believe three months have gone by, but things happened that pushed me into a thicket. I couldn’t get up from them for a while. I would call it a “Hold Five” moment if I had a card designed for it. 

Now that I’m through what I think is the worst of it, I realize I may have welcomed it to avoid returning to the project of my desire.  This is part of Hold Fives. The overwhelming sorrow I was drawn into during the Kavanaugh hearings was just the tip of the iceberg, as they say. Yes, I have PTSD, and I was triggered more than I have been for years by something that also happened to me, and worse, at age 17.  But more than that I was also becoming cognizant of the fact that I cannot ever expect to undo these past events. Sometimes, I feel I will forever be emotionally time traveling to inexplicable moments that struck to my very core. 

How to let go of these awful feelings, knowing that they happened long ago, so I can see what good is in my life now is just not something I find easy to do. Sometimes I even hold onto them as if they are my treasures in a weird way.  As if having the worst memories is a competition to win. My heart wrenches as if it is happening right now, and I am going to try to give myself real awareness that I missed out on because of practiced detachment, but it never works and that feels even worse. I can’t go forward. I can’t go backward and be different, and yet I am frozen in a moment that happened years ago, feeling horrible for myself for having gone through it, and knowing that at that moment I drifted away and watched.  Hold Five. Do you know that kind of moment? It is a moment that is frozen in your memory, held in an emotional ice cube that can be looked at again and again.

The goal though is to finally melt it, so that it stays in the past where it belongs.

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