When I found out I had a brain tumor, I was not freaked out. I was relieved. The painting I did here was an expression of the pain I had been going through since I was a young woman with very little relief — the hateful migraine. I went through so many experiential diagnostic tests — long for saying something simple. I tried everything. Was it my diet?  Was it the weather? Was it allergies? Was it stress? What I had discovered was that it was everything or nothing that I knew of and when I heard I had a brain tumor I hoped that it would be the cure I was looking for.

So, it wasn’t, of course, but it did eventually get me closer than I’d been for as long as I could remember. After I had brain surgery I had as many, if not more migraines that I had had before. I still do, and if I could give it a card in my Kosmic Egg Project, it would be Expression Nine. It is nothing I’m proud of because it involves a lot of fear, moaning, whining and not really getting anywhere at all. Let’s unravel this a little. Holding onto the pain of a migraine is not something any one of us so afflicted wants to do. Nope, nope, nope.

I have migraines, western medicine has discovered, by something that happens in the surface casing of the brain. Lo and behold my tumor was right in that coating called the Meningioma. The Meningioma becomes irritated somehow and sends signals all over my brain, and down the spine that it is in distress. It doesn’t hold back. I know that not only brain tumors make the Meningioma unhappy, but stress, diet, caffeine, allergies, and lack of sleep or too much sleep can cause that to happen. Once it happens one time, it can become habitual as an expression of alarm by the Meningioma.

The expression goes something like, “Hey, I need to face it, and climb in bed and sleep for goodness sakes!” Easier said than done when in pain, and life happens. So now, I try to catch it before it wells up full force to tell me that. I try to cut it off at the pass.

Migraines are an expression of part of my body, that I have had little control over, and they can cause me to express the worst in me. Like swords hanging over my head for a while before I am able to handle it. Whining. Have you ever met someone, who gets migraines, that doesn’t whine about it at some point? I just can’t keep it hidden.

It turns out having a tumor removed is not a cure to the Meningioma. I admit I have found a medication (email me, if you want to discuss it), and I feel like what has happened is that I’m breaking the habit of the Meningioma to squeeze me out of life. I have them less often, the quicker I am to catching and facing what I have to do without remorse. I am no longer afraid to cancel appearances anywhere. My Meningioma may finally be calming down after trying to get my attention for so very long.

The goal of Expression Nine is to recover ourselves from our worst fears and habits always. It doesn’t have to be a conscious habit, and we don’t have to fight it alone. We simply have to search for answers and take as long as we need to redirect ourselves toward feeling better, and able to live normally.

The story starts here in my paradise where I think I've healed as much as I will heal from my brain surgery, and I am close to having an empty nest. I'm *finally* setting a goal to use twelve months for a single project. My goal? To see if I can pull in my focus to create a world of Tarot for you. Find out how an esoteric writer and artist pivots from indecision to decision by putting her skills together.

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