Inside Out

Before I go any further with creating this blog/website, the deck of cards and the writing, I feel it is necessary to explain myself on a particular point. You are beginning to see some differences between my deck and the traditional Tarot deck, and I don’t do this lightly. It may seem like a reversal, and that would be a logical way to look at it, but it is more like being inside and looking out, rather than outside looking in. This is typically a “feminine” way of observing the world. For the last thirty years, my studies have led me in this direction, for better or worse. From inside the Temple of Tarot, we are growing, evolving, and from the outside looking in we are seeing a way into the magic. We are growing internally to externally in Kosmic Egg Tarot, as it may have been before. The consequence of changing gender seems surface-y at first, but it is not so for me. 

The Sorceress for instance, as opposed to The Magician, is not less than. She is a Solar Goddess! She is equal but different. She uses magic perhaps in a subtle, yet a practical way. The actions she takes to change the world. As above, so below, but inside first then outside. The Hold Two card is not about young lovers, but now it is about the sustainable love and healing of older years, and yet we are always at the beginning. It makes sense that The Architect is initiated into the Temple and thus the shadows of the pillars are opposite because he is looking into the Temple, and permitting the initiates to go out into the world in service of the secrets learned inside.

We will carry on with these inside-out interpretations of the world of Kosmic Egg Tarot and discover what we discover. I have never done the entire deck this way, but I’ve started to read reversals in a regular Tarot deck as the “inner” work of the cards. It is very fulfilling to imagine the work this way, unready somehow for the external world, but profoundly alive. We are growing possiblissity inside the Egg.

Niche Finding

What are we talking about when we say “I’m looking for my niche.”? I’m not sure I really knew until the last few days. Or I was circling it widely. I will call this an Energy Two or Two of Wands situation. Our niche in what we produce has to do with finding an audience, our style, our brand and our voice that are all uniquely our own. Some people fall into it with ease when they are young. They call those people “prodigies”. The rest of us can spend a lifetime surveying the land, waiting and waiting for our ship to come in, not entirely trusting that it ever will. Domaine is a waiting game. 

I have many skills. This makes it more difficult rather than easier for me because I am indecisive most of the time.  Then I tend to do one thing for a while and quit before I’ve really found where it will land. I have no idea where that habit comes from. Wink. SMH. Honestly, the only thing worse than having many skills is being a perfectionist. 

There is nothing about finding a niche that has to do with a lot of skills or perfectionism. Believe me! In fact, it is a whittling down of choices and expectations to those you really enjoy! This whittling and lessening of the things we thought we should do,  finally lead to a niche. It turns out that a niche is one of those “less is more” truths. 

If we expect the world, or if we wait for the world, or if we serve the world, then we do not have our niche where we can speak very clearly and boldly to people like ourselves. This is where we can accomplish the most and still have the most fun. My niche is you, the ones who stay. You’ll see. 🙂 My niche is Women Over 40 and those who love us. So if you are one, or you love one, please stay for the ride with me.

Meningioma

When I found out I had a brain tumor, I was not freaked out. I was relieved. The painting I did here was an expression of the pain I had been going through since I was a young woman with very little relief — the hateful migraine. I went through so many experiential diagnostic tests — long for saying something simple. I tried everything. Was it my diet?  Was it the weather? Was it allergies? Was it stress? What I had discovered was that it was everything or nothing that I knew of and when I heard I had a brain tumor I hoped that it would be the cure I was looking for.

So, it wasn’t, of course, but it did eventually get me closer than I’d been for as long as I could remember. After I had brain surgery I had as many, if not more migraines that I had had before. I still do, and if I could give it a card in my Kosmic Egg Project, it would be Expression Nine. It is nothing I’m proud of because it involves a lot of fear, moaning, whining and not really getting anywhere at all. Let’s unravel this a little. Holding onto the pain of a migraine is not something any one of us so afflicted wants to do. Nope, nope, nope.

I have migraines, western medicine has discovered, by something that happens in the surface casing of the brain. Lo and behold my tumor was right in that coating called the Meningioma. The Meningioma becomes irritated somehow and sends signals all over my brain, and down the spine that it is in distress. It doesn’t hold back. I know that not only brain tumors make the Meningioma unhappy, but stress, diet, caffeine, allergies, and lack of sleep or too much sleep can cause that to happen. Once it happens one time, it can become habitual as an expression of alarm by the Meningioma.

The expression goes something like, “Hey, I need to face it, and climb in bed and sleep for goodness sakes!” Easier said than done when in pain, and life happens. So now, I try to catch it before it wells up full force to tell me that. I try to cut it off at the pass.

Migraines are an expression of part of my body, that I have had little control over, and they can cause me to express the worst in me. Like swords hanging over my head for a while before I am able to handle it. Whining. Have you ever met someone, who gets migraines, that doesn’t whine about it at some point? I just can’t keep it hidden.

It turns out having a tumor removed is not a cure to the Meningioma. I admit I have found a medication (email me, if you want to discuss it), and I feel like what has happened is that I’m breaking the habit of the Meningioma to squeeze me out of life. I have them less often, the quicker I am to catching and facing what I have to do without remorse. I am no longer afraid to cancel appearances anywhere. My Meningioma may finally be calming down after trying to get my attention for so very long.

The goal of Expression Nine is to recover ourselves from our worst fears and habits always. It doesn’t have to be a conscious habit, and we don’t have to fight it alone. We simply have to search for answers and take as long as we need to redirect ourselves toward feeling better, and able to live normally.